I love The Onion. And it’s for that reason that I am dedicating today’s installment of the newsletter to one of my favorite Onion articles: “This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won’t”

The Onion @TheOnion

From The Archives: This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won’t trib.al/my6zUap

I’ve been meaning to offer my own version of this for a while, but after seeing a number of, “Actually, it won’t be that bad once Roe is overturned,” “No, they won’t try to ban birth control,” “A federal ban? No, this is about turning it back to the states,” “Stop being paranoid! LGBTQ rights aren’t going anywhere!” type takes, we’d reached the point of actual parody.

So, without further ado…

The Right-Wing Culture War Will Result in Women, Minorities, and LGBTQ People Being Relegated To Second-Class Citizens Who Can No Longer Live Their Lives In Peace.

Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito’s draft opinion overturning Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey is just the latest in a long list of actions being taken by the right to roll back many of the gains made throughout the 20th and 21st centuries. What Alito wrote was less a thoughtful legal response than a partisan attack on individual freedom and liberty meant to set the stage for an all-out assault on the rights of women, racial, ethnic, and religious minorities; LGBTQ people, and anyone else who doesn’t buy into the Christofascist vision the right has for America.

Overturning Roe won’t mark the end of the right’s culture war; it will spark new and more creative attacks. Are you one of the tens of millions of women currently using some form of contraception? Better hope they don’t go after Griswold v. Connecticut next! Are you in one of the hundreds of thousands of married same-sex couples in the U.S.? Obergefell v. Hodges could fall and you could find yourself newly and nonconsensually single. And some on the right are even calling for Brown v. Board of Education, the court case that made racial segregation illegal, to be overturned.

The groups that have pushed and promoted this movement have made clear that they prefer the pre-Civil Rights era power structure in the U.S., which is why they’re so eager to attack what they see as the vulnerable segments in our legal rights. The right-wing Family Research Council specifically cites the “assault on the sexes” caused by feminism, the push for gay rights, and the push for trans rights as part of the same problem, outlining exactly how they will go about using a divide-and-conquer approach. For example, if they’re attacking trans people, they’re doing it to advance their broader goals beyond trans people, which is why it’s more important than ever that those of us who believe in freedom for ourselves and our communities to stay vigilant. Maybe you’ve never given much thought to abortion for one reason or another; maybe you haven’t really staked out a position on LGBTQ rights; maybe you haven’t considered yourself a supporter of the movement for Black lives. Maybe it’s time to rethink the compartmentalization of human rights.

Mark my words: the right is not going to stop at overturning Roe.

No It Won’t.

No it won’t.

It just won’t. None of that will happen.

You’re getting worked up over nothing. Everything is going to be fine. So just relax, okay? You’re really overreacting.

“Overturning Roe won’t mark the end of the right’s culture war; it will spark new and more creative attacks”?

It won’t.

“The groups that have pushed and promoted this movement have made clear that they prefer the pre-Civil Rights era power structure in the U.S.”?

Not really.

“If they’re attacking trans people, they’re doing it to advance their broader goals beyond trans people”?

Sorry, no, I disagree.

Trust me, it’s all going to work out perfect. Nothing bad is going to happen. It’s all under control.

Why do you keep saying these things? I can tell when there’s trouble looming, and I really don’t sense that right now. We’re in control of this situation, and we know what we’re doing. Stop being so pessimistic.

Look, you’ve been proven wrong, so stop talking. You’ve had your say already. Be quiet, okay? Everything’s fine.

You’re wrong.

Today’s Tunes:

“Youth Against Fascism” by Sonic Youth

The Present Age

The Right-Wing Culture War Will Result in…